"...whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his own soul?" (Matthew 16:25-26)

One of the greatest feelings in the world, is knowing that you are walking in the will and way of the Father. Sometimes throughout the course however, we may experience a gentle nudge; an indication that it’s time to grow beyond once current state of spiritual occupancy. We lay everything aside in order to find order, structure and a truer purpose. This was my particular situation.

You see, the plan was that I was gonna’ blow up the spot. I was gonna’ be a huge star. So, signing that record contract against my better judgement as well as entering a covenant with people I hardly knew under the guise of gospel music? Well, that would all work itself out somehow. All things work together for the good of them that love the Lord. Right? I loved God and how better to show it than by using my gift of singing to serve him. There’s no way that this could fail. I was going to be singing songs about God? How could it do anything but prosper?

So there I am, sitting there in this lush attorney’s office and we’re looking at the paperwork, going over the terms of the contract. I’m pretending to understand everything and afraid to ask questions because of course, “I got a little college edumacation and I don’t want him to think I’m ig-nant or nothing”. I continue to sit there staring at this pile of paper, nodding my head all the while hearing an inaudible sound that sounded kind of like that teacher on Charlie Brown? “WA WA WA WA WA”………and I still don’t know what that lawyer said to this day.

During this the whole time, I’m feeling very unsettled like something is really wrong here. But the attorney is excited, my group members are excited and everybody is all set and ready to sign. Again, I feel that gentle pause in my spirit. “Fatima stop trippin’! This is a major record deal. You’re singing for God what could possibly go wrong?” I try to convince myself. But something inside just keeps nagging at me to leave and I don’t mean just a casual departure. This was different. There was indeed a great sense of urgency that came with this prompting. It was almost as if it was saying, “Girl run out of this office like you a slave runnin’ fo’ freedom”! How appropriate the sentiment of those words would later prove to be…

But this was a major record deal and my time had finally arrived. All my life I wanted a solo record deal. Of course this wasn’t quite a solo situation but it was close enough. I was going to sing for the world and finally this was the opportunity. I was made for such a time as this. Not to mention, I was promised a “solo” situation pending my participation with “the group”. So the way I saw it, I was in a win/win situation. Eventual solo deal and I get to sing for God! What a blessing!

I put my good old John Hancock on the contract and no sooner than I leave the lawyer’s office, I immediately get the worst nausea and stomachache. I knew that I had made a mistake. In my spirit there were red flags everywhere. Oh God! What did I do? The spirit had cautioned me to hold out for the promise. But no! As an act of compromise, desperation and a “lotta bit” of hidden agenda I signed that contract so fast! I just knew that it was going to get me to my goal. The end would justify the means somehow. Oh! Nausea and stomach pains again and then- IMMEDIATELY! THAT PICTURE OF ME ON MY SOLO ALBUM came to mind. Needless to say, both the nausea and the stomachache were gone in no time.

Although, I barely knew the people with whom I was to enter into this covenant; surely this had to be a good thing. We were all Christians and it seemed like we were pieced or put together by God (via the production company that we were working with). It would seem only logical that we would choose and become known by the name of “SPIRITUAL PIECES”.

We would go on to record two albums, win the LA Gospel Award, be nominated for a total of 3 Stellar Awards and hob-nob with the who’s who of gospel music. I had made it to the semi-big time. I had a record deal! The irony? I could hardly afford to make my monthly rent payments. I couldn’t even call in to a Maryland radio station for them to interview us regarding our said “success” ‘cause I couldn’t afford the long distance. But in my mind, I was making it…doin’ the dang thing and as soon as I got me a solo deal things would be different.

I was jet setting all over the place for promotional dates….and the record company paid for us to get there us there too. But, I still wasn’t getting any checks in the mail. Our songs and videos airing but I still wasn’t seeing any substantial income outside of the advance for the 2 albums. Using generous mathematics, it averaged out to about $10,000 over a 4-year period. And that was before taxes. I knew folk who make more than that selling out the trunk of their cars. I didn’t realize that the travel, lodging, limos, videos, make-up artists, studio costs, mastering, mixing, photo shoots, photographer for the photo shoot, cloths for the photo shoot (most of which you have to give back)...is all paid for by the artist. As an artist you won’t see one dime until the record company has recouped all of the costs it has invested in you down to the penny. These costs don’t include publicity, 10% for your booking person, 10% (minimum) to management etc.

So how does an artist make money? Touring. Gospel standards are totally different than in secular music. Any huge arena touring has to wait until you become a name in gospel music. When I say touring, I’m talking about barbeques, picnics, Sunday service, Wednesday service, bible studies, girl scout meetings, boy scout meetings, block parties, family cookouts, yard sales… whatever it takes! Whatever it was we’d be there.

I kept trying to bury the guilt and condemnation of a selfish decision made worse by the fact that things were not going like I planned. Not to mention the promises. It went a little something like this. “You just get here and we’ll take care of you. We can’t afford to fly you to Georgia and we don’t have a hotel for you to stay at but you just get here and we’ll make sure you get blessed for your trouble”. So we’d get there somehow (knowing that we’d receive it on the back end) and we’d sing. And they would pass the offering plate a couple of times. But in the end, it seemed like we averaged far more blessings in the form of chicken dinners than actual dollars.

I tried to pretend that chicken dinner compensations didn’t bother me. But how can you pretend when there’s a notice that your rent is late…again? My faith was not strong enough initially, to trust God with the details. Instead, I operated business as usual. This was hard because every time I turned around; I would feel the gentle nudge telling me that I had long been out of place and that it was time out for pretending and playing games.

It is true. A double-minded man is in fact, unstable in all of his ways (James 1:8). I was double-minded beyond even my own recognition. I didn’t fully understand all that would come as a result of taking time out. I was however, aware of one specific task that needed to be done before I could discover the bare essentials of myself in Him. I was to leave the group. I knew as early as two years prior.

Indeed, I did eventually resign from the group. But I fell victim to self- inflicted guilt as well as the “good” intentions of people and their various twisting of scripture; which of course, changed my mind. I didn’t want people to think that I was using this as a selfish opportunity to “go solo”. So I stayed. Once again, guilt over singing on my own, my true desire had me under lock and key.

I was tormented inside. I knew that I had disobeyed what my insides were telling me to do. But how could I change my mind now? I had already given my word. I had signed contracts. I had accepted advances from the record company. How could I give back what I had already spent?
I grew more and more agitated with myself. I had created a huge mess as a result of not listening to that still small voice. Soon, I became emotionally withdrawn from the group and our producers. I ate to hide my sorrow, agony and pain. To my dismay, I was gaining an uncontrollable amount of weight; which caused me to eat more in search of consolation. My body ached. I slept a lot and cried often. There were times when I would show up late to a session. Sometimes, I wouldn’t even show up at all. Instead, I’d stay home and listen to the answering machine as each call reminded me of our booked studio session and concerns regarding my absence. Around this time and much to my regret, I took up what became my favorite past time as a closet smoker.

The day that the album released I was numb and quite indifferent. I didn’t really care how the sales numbers turned out. I just wanted it all to be over. Again, I operated in the necessary “business as usual mode”. We had an album out and it deserved a chance regardless of how messed up I was inside. We set up a team and a system and started on what would be promotion dates for the album...